When God’s will involves pain and heartache

Two years,  I can’t believe it has been that long ago.  I could barely go 2 weeks without talking to my mother but tomorrow February 2, 2016 will be two years since she left this earth to be with Jesus.  I recall February 1, 2014, the day before her leaving like it was yesterday. I got off the plane and went straight to her house.  She had already been on hospice and my sister’s were already giving her morphine for the pain.  I walked in her house and seen her weak body.  I ran to her and said,  “Mom,  it’s me Jenny! I am here like you asked me to be.” She nodded as she looked up at me barely able to speak.  I prayed in my heart that the Lord would give me strength to handle this.  Her friends came to visit and reminisce with our family about their lives growing up with mom.  They talked about her go-go boots and how mom loved to sing.  I gave her the medication she needed.  I also notice she begin to get weaker as the day went on.  That night I went to lay down to rest but wasn’t able to get much as mom needed her medicine every 2 hours.  So I slept off and on that night.

Around 5 am that morning I woke up and seen my step-dad talking to her.  So I got up and gave mom her medication. I loved laying with mom when I took her to chemo appointments, today was no different.  I laid next to her and as I did I recalled how much her and I spoke about death.  How she was worried about the kids and her family.  I remembered the times she would call me crying asking me to pray with her because she wasn’t sure she was ready to leave.  As I laid next to her I whispered gently in her ear and reminded her that Jesus was waiting for her. I told her about the mansion He had prepared for her.  I wanted her to know that even in this moment Jesus was present.  I cried and I told her that is was ok to go with Him.  I knew she was worried about the kids. I reassured that Jesus knows how to take care of us and that we would be in good hands.  She got weaker.  I hugged her and prayed as I have done so many times in the past while she was stronger.  I feel asleep for a moment next to her.  I woke to the sound of the door opening and my sister’s family walking in.  It was Super Bowl Sunday and she was headed back to the reservation to watch the game but wanted to check on mom.  She said see you later to mom and her family along with my baby brother left.

I walked to the living room door and looked out shortly after that I closed the door I heard mom take a deep sigh and then another deep sigh.  I ran to her and I knew that my mother had left this world to go home to the Lord.  My step-dad and two little sister’s were in the room with her.  We all begin to cry.  I gather myself together and made the call to my siblings who had just left and all I could say was,”She is gone!” The next few days and weeks were a blur as people came and left.

So here I sit two years later mourning the death of my mother.  The pain I have felt through this process at times has been unbearable. I never imagined what it would be like to live in a world without my mother.

But here is one truth that I have come to terms with.  Jesus has been my strength and my hope in the days I didn’t want to get out of bed.  He comforts me in my pain and heartache.  He reminds me of His goodness even while my world may seem like it is falling apart.  I cried many times this past week.  There was a moment were I wept like a baby and the tears would not stop. However,  Jesus was there.  He never left me.  Yes,  God’s will does include pain and heartache but in it He will hold your hand each step of the way.  My heart delights in Him and His comforting Spirit. As the days go by one by one and I get one day closer to being with my mom and dad who are in heaven,  I hear the voice of God say to me as He said to Isaiah, “Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go, whether to the right or to the left.” (Isaiah 30:21) I am confident that the Lord is leading me home.

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